News of the Weird

News of the Weird
"News of the Weird" is a weekly syndicated column by Chuck Shepherd
containing synopses of bizarre news stories reported in various sources
and is carried in over 200 newspapers.

These are usurps from The Best of... (1997) of that column...

Already They Can Survive Nuclear War. Now, We Give Them Computer Enhancements.

In January, Japanese researchers began testing microprocessors and microcameras surgically implanted into American cockroaches for a variety of missions including espionage surveillance. The equipment, weighing a tenth of an ounce, uses remote-control signals to command the cockroach's movements. Milwaukee Journal Sentinel, January 12

Overlooked Progress in the Peace Process

One aspect of Israeli-Palestinian relations is running smoothly, according to a May Boston Globe story. Israel has the highest per capita car theft in the world, and police say several cooperative Israeli-Palestinian car-theft rings operate almost effortlessly, fencing cars and parts to dealers on both sides of the border. May 30.

The Boob Tube (I)

According to research commissioned by the Weather Channel, disclosed in April, one in five viewers watches for at least three hours at a sitting. The company calls these people "weather-involved. " Chicago Tribune, April 12
(probably the "seed" for the latest Budweiser commercial)

The Boob Tube (II)

A March New York Times story described what it called really bad Japanese TV shows, among them one in which bikini-clad young women crush aluminum cans by squeezing them between their breasts and another in which a young child was brought on stage and told that his mother had just been shot to death--for the purpose of seeing how many seconds would elapse before he started crying. March 8

Bottom of the Gene Pool

In December 1996, Phillip Johnson, then 32, was hospitalized in Prestonburg, Ky., after shooting himself in the left shoulder with his .22-caliber rifle "to see how it felt," he told ambulance personnel. The sheriff described him as "screaming about the pain, over and over. "On October 2, 1997, an ambulance crew was again called to Johnson's home, where he was bleeding from another left-shoulder gunshot. According to the Inez Mountain Citizen newspaper, Johnson said the earlier shooting "felt so good," he had to do it again. January 4, October 8

This One Ought to Be a Slam Dunk for Barry Scheck

Lavelle Davis, 23, was convicted of murder in Geneva, Ill., in February. Prosecutors showed how Davis and an accomplice rehearsed the murder, including how the accomplice placed duct tape over Davis's mouth just as they would later do to the victim. At trial, Davis was linked to the crime scene by what prosecutors said were his lip prints on the practice tape. Chicago Daily Law Bulletin, February 11

The Last Hurrah of Microregulation

In February, the Palm Springs (Calif.) Regional Airport Commission issued hygiene rules for cab drivers serving the airport, including requirements that drivers shower daily with soap, brush with toothpaste, and eat breath mints. Daily American Republic (Poplar Bluff, Mo.), February 21

Egg Frenzy

A Milan, Italy, newspaper reported that a 35-year-old woman was three months' pregnant with the fetuses of two couples, whose children she agreed to bear simultaneously because of a shortage of surrogate mothers. (She said blood tests after birth would determine which baby was which.) USA Today, March 10

There They Go with Self-Parody Again

The Times of London reported in March that when an employee of the James Beauchamp law firm in Edgbaston, England, recently killed himself, the firm billed his mother about $20,000 for the expense of settling his office work. Included was a bill for about $2,300 to go to his home to find out why he didn't show up at work (thus finding his body), plus about $250 to go to his mother's home, knock on her door, and tell her that her son was dead. (After unfavorable publicity, the firm withdrew the bill.) March 14

Most Clueless American, 1997

Ms. Courtney Mann, the head of the Philadelphia chapter of the National Association for the Advancement of White People, who works as a tax preparer and is a single mother, was rebuffed in an attempt to join a Ku Klux Klan-sponsored march in Pittsburgh in April. Though she has been in the NAAWP for at least four years, the Klan turned her down--because she is black. Said the Grand Dragon, "She wanted to stay at my house [during rally weekend]. She's all confused, man. I don't think she knows she's a black. " Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, April 13

Undoubtedly, It's Those New Lead-Alloy Implants

Bennie Casson filed a $100,000 lawsuit in Belleville, Ill. , in July against PT's Show Club for its negligence in allowing a stripper to "slam" her breasts into his "neck and head region" as he watched her, a little too close to the stage. Dancer Susan Sykes (aka "Busty Heart") claims show business's biggest chest (88 inches), which Casson said gave him a "bruised, contused, lacerated" neck. St. Louis Post-Dispatch, July 12

The Classic Middle Name

In Alabama, murderer Billy Wayne Waldrop was executed in January, and the next month, murderer Dudley Wayne Kyzer was turned down for parole. Two weeks after that, murderer Coleman Wayne Gray was executed in Virginia. In May, murderer Larry Wayne White was executed in Texas. In July, Maryland inmate Richard Wayne Willoughby was sentenced to life in prison for murdering another inmate. Tuscaloosa News, January 11, February 9; Tampa Tribune, February 27; USA Today, May 23; Washington Post, July 16
(and let's not forget the all-consuming John Wayne Gacy)

Least Competent Criminal

Steven Richard King, 22, was arrested in April for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch in Modesto, Calif. , without a weapon. He used his thumb and finger to simulate a gun, but unlike most robbers who use this tactic, he did not have his hand in his pocket. Modesto Bee, April 18

Worst Judgment of the Year by Adults

In July, in Doncaster, England, police put suspect Martin Kamara, 43, a black man, in a lineup for identification, but because of recent racial incidents, they couldn't find any black men willing to stand alongside him, so police hired a makeup artist to put black faces on seven white men for the lineup. A judge released Kamara because of the foolishness. (In addition to the inherent problem, the artist neglected to make up the men's hands.) Athens (Ohio) Messenger, July 27

Proof that the System Works

In this space last year appeared hard-luck Oklahoma rapist Darron Bennalford Anderson, who in 1994 had received a 2,200 year sentence but had appealed and won a new trial, only to be convicted again and re-sentenced to more than 90 additional centuries behind bars, including 4000 years each for rape and sodomy, 1,750 years for kidnaping, 1,000 years for burglary and robbery, and 500 years for grand larceny. But Anderson was not to be denied; 1997 was his year. In July, the state Court of Criminal Appeals held that the grand larceny charge was double jeopardy on the robbery conviction and thus dismissed it. Just like that, the court cut Anderson's sentence by 500 years, speeding up his release date to the year 12,744 A. D. Dallas Morning News, July 24

Unclear on the Concept

In May, Scripps Howard News Service profiled former lawyer James Kelley of Washington, D. C. , one of a small group at his local church who are enthusiastic Episcopalians but who do not believe in God. Said Kelley, "We all love the incense, the stained glass windows, the organ music, the vestments, and all of that. It's drama. It's aesthetics. It's the ritual. That's neat stuff. I don't want to give all that up, just because I don't believe in God." Cleveland Plain Dealer, May 31

Why They Kill

Letter carrier Martha Cherry, 49, was fired by the Postal Service in White Plains, N. Y. , in August after 18 years of apparently walking her rounds too slowly. Wrote a supervisor, of the 5-foot-4 Cherry:"At each step, the heel of your leading foot did not pass the toe of the trailing foot by more than one inch. As a result, you required 13 minutes longer than your demonstrated ability to deliver mail to this section of your route. "Gaston (N.C.) Gazette, September 14

Interactive Municipal Government

At the Eugene, Ore., city council meeting on August 6, an unidentified man who had been sitting in the audience walked up to the controversial Mayor Jim Torrey, leaned over, and induced himself to vomited on the Mayor's shoulder. He then left without being pursued by the stunned attendees. The Oregonian, August 7

Restaurant Openings

La Nouvelle Justine, an S&M-themed restaurant that offers diners mild spankings, food served in dog bowls, and the opportunity to command and be commanded as they eat, opened in May in New York City.

Love Has No Bounds

In July, Centers for Disease Control reported the first instance of HIV transmitted not through sex or drugs but through deep kissing. Doctors said that the man had gum disease, canker sores, and "hairlike growths on his tongue," and the woman had bleeding gums, but that the couple nonetheless were very affectionate. St. Petersburg Times, July 11

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