A Letter To My Wife

A Letter To My Wife
To My Dear Wife,

During the last year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded a mere 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days! I have gone to considerable effort to prepare the following objective list of reasons why I did not succeed more often, and trust that you will seriously address this situation.

the sheets are clean	54 times
it's too late	17 times
i'm too tired	49 times
it's too early	20 times
it's too hot	15 times
pretending to be asleep	15 times
the neighbors will hear us	3 times
headache	22 times
sunburn	7 times
your mother will hear us	9 times
not in the mood	43 times
you'll wake the baby	17 times
watching the late show	6 times
new hairdo	5 times
too sore	16 times
wrong time of the month	12 times
have to get up early	19 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry and get it over with, seven times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished, and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

Your Loving Husband

To My Dear Husband,

I think you have gotten things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did not get more than you did.

came home drunk and tried toscrew the cat	5 times
did not come home at all	36 times
did not cum	21 times
came to soon	33 times
went soft before you got in	19 times
toes in a cramp	10 times
working too late	38 times
have to get up early to play golf	29 times
in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls	2 times
caught it in your zipper	4 times
got a cold and your nose kept running	3 times
your coffee was hot and you burned your tongue	3 times
you had a splinter in your finger	2 times
lost the notion after thinking about it all day	20 times
came in you pajamas while reading a dirty book	6 times
too busy watching football on tv	98 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was "would you like me on my back or kneeling?" the time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Your Loving Wife

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